i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
