the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Watching her eat just hurts me
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
