Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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