she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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