I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
