i wish my penis had a tongue
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
