i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
