We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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