i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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