Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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