My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
