They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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