Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
