Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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