he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
