she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
