I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
