he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
