The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Vodka?
Forever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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