she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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