You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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