i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
if only i could text you this smell
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
