I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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