Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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