She's JV to your varsity
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
