so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
