I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
