Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
