I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
