I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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