Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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