Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
