yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
