Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
