And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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