Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
