Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
