I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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