I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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