The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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