And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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