I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
