Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
