I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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