Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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