Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
