How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
