so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
