On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
