I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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