I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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