I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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