There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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